For July 14th, 2002
Anne
This rum-swilling, pizza-hating young she-devil is far too cool for school, which is why she's undertaken a successful career in international jewel thievery (not that this can be effectively proven by the proper authorities). "Don't judge me." she says, "I'm just doing what comes naturally." Then she did what came naturally to her and kicked this reporter squarely in the groin.
"Sorry about that," she said cooly, "I can be impulsive. Get used to it. And stop crying like a little sissy man. It irks me."
Anne sings and plays bass in a hardcore vegan band called Soy Division -- watch for them to tour this fall with Bad Religion in a town near you! Keep an ear out for their soon-to-be hits, like No Turkey Lost, Milk's No Good For Me, Tofu Age, Dead Sole, and Beef-Based Soup Stock Will Tear Us Apart.
Anne used to have very loud next-door neighbors until they mysteriously disappeared one afternoon last spring. She doesn't actually confess to having anything to do with this turn of events, but she certainly enjoys the recently-acquired solitude. "The new tenants have been much quieter," she says, "but that's probably due to the hungry looks my punk rock cat Spencer sends their way. Really, it's best not to fuck with Spencer. He's got ginsu-sharp claws and a bad attitude. He's not afraid to use them in conjunction with one another for the purpose of chaotic retribution. Kitty likes it quiet, and his silent, feline death threats don't hurt our cause one little bit."
If you're still reading this and thinking to yourself, "I'd love to know more about this freewheeling hot punk girl, even though I know she could kick my ass from here to Timbuktu," then you should definitely have a look at her journal -- just be sure you're extra-special quiet and non-obnoxious about it. You've heard about what happens to practitioners of unwanted noisemaking in her neighborhood.
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