For January 26th, 2004
Miss Allie
Tattooed to high heavens and smarter than your favorite think tank, B-movie aficionado Miss Allie will someday be a famous cinematic writing and directing dynamo -- just as soon as she's done with her schooling in North Carolina. For now, she bides her time baking cookies for close friends and writing long letters to heads of state with constructive criticisms about how much better their countries could be if only they were more like Texas (her home, sweet home).
Miss Allie minors in journalism, so when she doesn't feel like making news, she can break it. She's got more tattoos than Queequeg (and plans to get more). She works at a photography company by day, and on the nights unconsumed by studious activities, she's a guerilla manicurist. She sews her own hip '50s reproduction dresses. She writes and photographs. She listens to everything from Etta James to Motörhead, and she has a terrible crush on Lemmy.
Weekends are a balancing act betwixt guzzling down entire bottles of rum in one sitting and shopping for antique timepieces, chopping blocks, and cookie cutters. For the sleep she misses, a steady diet of black coffee keeps the motor running over the course of the week.
Blatantly honest, Miss Allie lets us in on her other future goals: "I have big plans of taking over the world in a pirate-girl fashion."
HARGH!
She once bought a pitbull-boxer from a crackwhore for $1.00 cashmoneyamerican, and now they go record shopping and go-go dancing together as an inseparable buddy team on the town.
"Sometimes, we fight crime." Says Miss Allie while chomping viciously on a leg of tofu mutton, "Other times, we make crime. Keeps us limber, see? Unpredictable, see? Well-practiced in the use of guns and knives, see?"
She takes aim at a poodle-sized cockroach with a previously unseen .45 and blasts it to smithereens a mere three feet from our heads. The dog glares menacingly in the corner as if to say, "if that's not enough, I got somethin' for you, too, matey." It wears a pirate's tricorn (sans bandana).
We take this as our cue that the interview is now over! Before running out (tripping on shoelaces that were craftily tied together when we weren't looking), Miss Allie shouts to let us know it'd be a good idea if we mention that you can visit her Web site, her Livejournal, or drop her a line if you're nice.
But she's not going to guarantee that she'll be nice! There's fair warning, bub.
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